You Can Tell a Lot About a Person By Their Username On a Pro Wrestling Game App

Ahmed Johnson, my favorite wrestler eighteen years ago, in the Playstation 1 game WWF Warzone, looking and sounding like someone shaking a pair of leggings stuffed with bratwursts.

WWE has this phone game called WWE Supercard. The rules are a bit too convoluted to explain through text, but it's basically Pokemon for people who don't want to collect anything except a post-count on a messageboard.

Every time you go to play a new round, you're presented with four options for opponents, so your electronic deck of cards with wrestlers and arbitrary numbers can virtually do battle with an automated version of someone else's electronic deck of cards with wrestlers and arbitrary numbers. Whoever has the higher number in the randomly selected attribute wins the sub-round. Best 2-out-of-3 is the winner. In reality, both of you probably smell like Mountain Dew and owe money to someone who makes custom swords, so there actually is no winner.

Over the course of 1200+times doing this, looking at the names of four different people each round, I began to remember that I actually hate the vast majority of wrestling fans. I can say they're good people in the same way that I say NASCAR fans or Steampunks are good people, in which I really mean that enthusiasm is wonderful but you can't brush your teeth with it.

These are the worst of them.

People Who Are, In General, Assholes

You still own nu-metal CDs. You still listen to CDs. You post e-cards on Facebook with the note "SO TRUE!" attached. Most of your responses to texts are "k" and "lol." You own a pair of pleated Dockers. You own parachute pants. You own own those pants with the belts and buckles looping all over them. You own a backup pair of pleated Dockers. You say racist shit and when people call you on it you say it's all right because you like Outkast.

People Who Are Bros

You catcall girls. You bought a hat you saw in a music video. You make music videos in your basement wearing said hat. You call people "faggot" when you get mad at them. You hate it when people call you "faggot" unless you're in the gym, then it pumps you up. One time, you punched a guy for talking about math. You have a 512 MB RCA MP3 player filled with nothing but ideal entrance music for when you're in "prime MMA shape."

People Who Are In Junior High

You repeat Dane Cook skits to your friends at lunch. You have a LiveJournal where you post Nine Inch Nails song lyrics about your teachers. Someone you know has the high score on three different Street Fighter II arcade machines in the area. You have a LiveJournal where you post lyrics you wrote about girls. You drink Faygo. You put too much gel in your hair. You put gel in your hair. You think Edgar Allen Poe is the best writer ever.

People Who Can't Think of Anything They Like Besides Wrestling

You own dogtags with your favorite wrestler's logo on them. You buy wrestling shirts at K-Mart. You respond with shouted catchphrases when someone talks shit to you. You've said "books are gay" at least five times in your life. Most of your meals are precooked and frozen. You saw a girl at a Smackdown taping and tried to get her Twitter handle but she wouldn't tell it to you so you called her a trash bag ho.

People Who Are Nonsense

You chew on tinfoil in the morning. You bought a French Press and never learned how to use it. You go to garage sales and offer more money than something is listed for. You made your own umbrella. You will be dead of a stroke sooner than later.

People Who Are Indie Wrestlers

You have a Young Bucks t-shirt. You don't do sit-ups. One time, you broke your wrist practicing enziguris in a gas station parking lot. You call Sami Zayn "El Generico" very forcefully. Your Twitter bio mentions the two podcasts you were on one time each. You bought a very expensive VHS bootleg of the 1995 Super J Cup Tournament. You think Diamond Dallas Page is the shits but he showed up at one of your spot shows and gave someone a Diamond Cutter and you popped huge.

People Really Into Penis/Butt Stuff

You have a year membership to Kink. You buy a special disinfectant with which to clean ball-gags. You drive a yellow Malibu convertible. The walls of your apartment are painted matte black. You shave only a portion of your balls. You're writing a cookbook where every dish is a pun on the name of a venereal disease. On your computer, Google autofinishes the phrase "where can I buy" with "lava lamps in bulk?"

People Named "Iceman"

You're a fucking dickhead.

People Who Are Straight Edge

You go to hardcore shows and stand there with your arms folded. You've screenprinted something a pair of gym shorts. You get off work early to stand on a street corner and hand out pamphlets about how to stop hate speech. You've had a conversation about whether or not ginseng is a drug. You own more than ten shirts with something written on them in Old English. You've put out a 7". You've paid money to have an extra insert in your 7" because your thank you list was too long.

People Who Would Like You To Know Their Age

The background of your computer is a girl in a swimsuit. You know a bunch of guys named Gary. You bowl in a league in the winter. You play softball in a league in the summer. You own Workaholics on DVD. You have "secret strategies" for fantasy football. Thinking about ordering something different than you normally order at Burger King makes you nervous.

People Who Are Into Superlatives and Minimalism But Don't Know What Either of Those Words Mean

You go to indoor motocross events. You own a No Fear shirt. You own a No Fear hockey jersey. Your favorite food is from Applebees. You used to dub VHS compilations of softcore porn from Cinemax and try to sell it out of your locker. You make sure everyone knows you get the really spicy kind of beef jerky. You're in third grade.

People Who Love a Certain Wrestler But Not Enough To Spell Their Name Right

You're at risk of being deported. You hit someone's car door with your car door at least once a week. You call anyone who disagrees with you a "nazi." Around election time you have lots of jokes based on the word "caucus." People tell you that you remind them of Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. You say "irregardless" when dismissing someone correcting you.

People Who Ran Out of Characters

You have a crooked piercing somewhere on your body. Every time you try to tell a joke you start laughing at the punchline halfway through the set up. You think a White Russian is milk, coffee, and Budweiser. You have a word document with all your favorite quotes from The Big Bang Theory written in it. You consult Consumer Reports when buying new appliances and then just buy whatever's on sale.

People Who Don't Understand Technology

You have six different active search bars at the top of your browser. You use Netscape Navigator. When someone sends you a text, you call them. You tell people about your friend who has their own website and when you show it to them it's a MySpace page that hasn't been updated in four years. 

People Who Love John Cena

Your parents pay for your WWE Network subscription. You've been beat up in the last ten years. You own a Rockstar Energy Drink t-shirt. You're saving up to install suicide doors on your Corsica. You know all the words to "American Pie" by Don McLean. You've seen all the American Pie movies in the theater.

EXCEPTIONS: You're a terminally ill child, you're Mr. OOC from OSW Review, you're a soldier who's never seen wrestling but Tribute to the Troops is on base and what the fuck else are you going to do.

BONUS: People Who Are Actually Totally Cool

You buy everyone pizza. You own Dopesmoker on vinyl. When you enter a room, you have a really funny thing you do and it never gets old. You kick ass at foosball, air hockey, ski ball, and pinball. You loan shit out to people and actually mean it when you tell them to take their time. You beat up skinheads. When you put a suit on, people are like, "Your suit game is tight," but they're not all that surprised, overall.